The Poly Principle … revisited

Having the rug pulled out from under me is unfortunately a feeling that I have become all too accustomed to over the course of my 47 years on the planet. I would say there was one huge ‘pull’ that really hit home for me and changed by perspective on family and taught me that people can tell you who they are all day long, but what they show you in the space of 30 seconds can give you a look at who they truly are … it was the first time I brought home a black woman to meet my family. Despite what I thought for my first 20 years was an upbringing that taught me to be colorblind, I was met with an immediate negative reaction from my mother and father and was told never to bring my then girlfriend (and future first wife) into their home again. I packed and left and never went back. No one from my family came to our wedding and despite some mended fences and restored relations over the years, the relationship with my family has never been (and never will be) the same. That should have taught me never to trust this raggedy old rug under my feet, but yet I fell for the old okie-doke once again.

Thinking that I had finally dipped a toe into the world of polyamory in dating someone who was not only familiar with poly, but was already living in a poly world and dating several people … I was in for a big letdown. No sooner had my SO become comfortable with the possibility of me developing a full-blown relationship with my new poly girlfriend, then she suddenly and without warning decided to shut down on me and shut me out. We were planning to get together for breakfast and possibly some playtime and she cancelled on me at the last minute. I was understanding and told her it wasn’t a problem and hopefully we could reschedule soon. Next thing I know, a day or two later she reaches back out to me with a curt text message saying she has decided to stop dating because of some issues with one of her partners.  Period.  That’s it.  Now here is someone who told me she felt a true, undeniable connection with me, but suddenly because she is having some undisclosed issue with another partner she decides to end our budding relationship without even an actual “goodbye” … just a generic two line text message.  Of course I replied.  I shared my condolences over the relationship on the rocks, offered a willing ear or shoulder if either would lighten the load or ease her unhappiness at the moment.  No response.  I waited a few days and reached out again, but again I got no reply.

Disheartening.

Here was someone who I felt was open, honest, straightforward and practicing poly along the lines of what my girlfriend and I were aspiring to and yet she simply shut down and shut off when (to the best of my knowledge) whatever issues she was facing had nothing to do with the connection between the two of us.  This just served to remind me that I can’t get too comfortable on this old rug.  You can tell me you are open and honest, all about communication and poly … but you can show me in 30 seconds who you really are and what you are really about.

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The Poly Principle

Even though we’ve been in an open relationship and living “in the lifestyle” for over five years now, meeting those who are truly open and who understand and practice an open lifestyle or even polyamory has been most uncommon.  When I meet someone new, the initial meet and greet usually revolves around hours of questions thrown my way from women who don’t understand open/poly relationships and are either curious, skeptical or show open contempt for the possibility of happiness or love in an open relationship.  At first, I was surprised by the amount of skepticism and negativity I was faced with from the women I was meeting … after all, they were mostly coming from on-line meetup groups or dating boards and all of my profiles were very clear about my relationship status and what I was looking for in a potential additional partner.  I was surprised at first, but after the first three or four m&g’s that all followed this same pattern, I came to expect it as the norm.  I got into a rhythm and accepted my role as poly-ambassador in hopes that perhaps I would stumble across at least one woman who wasn’t seeing me just to pick my brain or try to “save me” from this unnatural path I had stumbled upon.

Probably because I had become accustomed to this steady string of monogamous minded women, I was taken completely by surprise when I finally had my first date with a woman who was not only open to non-monogamy, but was living in a poly-lifestyle and currently had two long-term relationships (one local and one long distance).  Not that she had a boyfriend and she was cheating on him or she had a husband and she was stepping out, but she had two up front and honest relationships with men who were aware of one another.  Whoa!  While this was what my girlfriend and I were aspiring to and had been reading about and researching on-line and in book after book … it was still very new to me to be sitting across the table from someone who didn’t want to question me or pick apart my lifestyle choices.  I was thrown for a loop!  That comfortable rhythm I had developed of explaining and then defending my relationship and my lifestyle was thrown out the window and she and I were able to actually talk about ourselves … our likes, our dislikes, our wants and desires.  For once I found that I was on the side of asking more questions because she had swam in waters where we had barely dipped a toe in.

This was fun!  I’m hopeful that she and I will find a core of compatibility which might lead to something long-term between the two of us, but even if that doesn’t happen, it’s refreshing to know there really are others out there who believe as we do!

The Turbulence of Monogamy

Okay, I’m trying to figure this out. I don’t understand why I keep running into these walls. The bubble that I live in apparently hasn’t been burst, because I’m always so surprised when something shocking happens and I just can’t wrap my mind around the reason. Every time I think I’m free to roam about the cabin, we hit a pocket of monogamous turbulence, where everything from the overhead compartments shift and you’re slightly afraid to get that pillow you so desperately needed. I keep hearing and understanding that I’m free to enjoy the fruits from the tree, that I’m not limited to the ones on the ground, that I can be who I am and I am able to allow those around me to be who they are. Imagining a moment in the sound of music where I’m spinning around in a large field of beautiful plush shiny green grass only to spin into a wall of fake clouds and harmonized chirping birds. To only realize that I’m still limited, that this pipe dream of honesty is a maze: one-sided, loopy, cloaked, and disguised in lies!

So, I meet this guy at one of the lifestyle parties on my way out the door. There was a brief intro conversation and numbers where exchanged. Fast forward, we’ve chatted for months, haven’t really put time aside to actually go on a date, but both of us seemed to be good for the time being with talking and getting to know one another. It was early on in the phone relationship where he asked if I would be his co-pilot on a trip to DC. I told him if we spent time outside of the phone and really got comfortable with one another, maybe. As the time went on that never came back up. So let’s get to the nitty-gritty! This morning I received a text asking if I was up. Just so happened I was, and out and about, told him yes, he called a few seconds later. After our hellos and how do you dos, he tells me he’s on the road to DC. That is a long drive; you’re not driving it alone, are you? Yes, I am. That is a long lonely drive for one person. Yeah and I’m sleepy now. Well lets talk about stuff, so how was your week? Rough!!! Why is that? Well, I have this family emergency and my job is messing with my money and I don’t know how I’m going to make it back. Damn that sucks; well I’m sure you will figure it out. We continued talking about nothing until I made it home. During the call he put me on hold several times, even thought I heard a voice coming from inside his car, but I thought nothing of it, one it wasn’t important and two, he said it was just him. Thinking back on our early conversations, I believe that this trip was the same one he had invited me on, (didn’t realize this until later). Anyway, I’m home now and extremely sleepy after a wonderful orgasm laid by the tongue god. So I lived in that moment, and got under the covers and was sound asleep. When I woke, my other half told me of a Facebook status update on one of our lifestyle friends’ page. It stated “excited to be on this trip to Maryland with xxx”. I am instantly floored! I can not believe my ears, I had to see this status update, I had to make sure what he had just told me was real. There it was, in black and white; it was true. This guy, who has nothing to gain by not being honest, had just lost whatever might have been. I didn’t understand the lie, the secret, or the unnecessary story he would now have to remember and stick to in future discussions.

I suppose I need to clarify my position. I by no means, have an issue with him taking someone with him. My repulsion is the pointless lie. I haven’t swayed from the person I was when we first met or the first phone conversations we’ve had. We’ve talked about other partners, possible triad relations, past relationships and future endeavors. Even bumped into him at a LS party and hugged him and the women he was with, she was a cutie! Here we are just at the cusp of the discussion of a potential ploy relationship and you already feel like there’s a need to lie and deceive. Here we are, at the base of my current confusion, in this “open” world of many possibilities of sharing love with one another and not having to be limited by the four walls of monogamy, that I stand and face the same reflection of a world I thought I left far behind.

I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!

Someone, please explain what is really going on. I mean, I’m not one of those girls that need to be lied to, to feel special, important or number one. I’m really just trying to enjoy life and hope you can enjoy it with me. I’m not asking anything of you other than to be yourself and give me honesty. Maybe, I’m asking for too much!!!

As much as I love a warm, blood filled rod, I think I’ll have to take it room temperature and detachable … hanging up my dancing shoes!

If you want to call it cheating …

What the What?! What kind of foolishness is this garbage?

Let’s Define Cheating:
Urban Dictionary– When one person has a significant other and performs any type of intimate acts with another person.
Webster– to be sexually unfaithful (there were many more, but this one will do).
Choc swirl– you have chosen to spend intimate time with someone that isn’t your partner, be it mental, emotional, or sexual intimacy. A rule of thumb, if you can’t tell your partner about this person, you’re most likely CHEATING!

Now, moving on!

Anything that remotely sounds like this you should run away quickly and don’t look back, you may turn to salt. Okay, that’s a bit much!

So, are you single? Well, no. Okay, you are in an open, poly or swinging relationship? Ah, no. So … would she be okay with finding out about me? Probably not, but who knows what she’s doing!

It was great chatting with you, we should exchange numbers! Okay, what’s yours? Oh, well give me yours and I’ll text you. Okay, so is there a problem? Well, no, just that you can only text or call at a certain time. Oh, so you’re married? Umm, yes. Oh okay, so y’all are open? Well, my side is.

Hey, why don’t I come over this weekend with a movie and dinner? So, that’s going to be a problem. Why is that? I’m attached.

Hey, what are you up to? Oh, nothing much, you? Just was wondering if we can hang. Sure, your place. Naw, lets get a room. Aren’t you single? Yes. Hmmm, okay.

This is funny, but so very sad. I can’t remember the last time I actually met someone that was truly the definition of single: single. It saddens my heart to no end, I’m being straight forward and honesty with you about who I am, and my attachments, but you can’t seem to acknowledge yours! Give me the opportunity to decide if I want to jump on your train, pulling your many cars.

So yes, you can call it what you will, but I call it cheating!

An Open Letter to Jealousy

 This piece was originally written as a journal entry on another site where I maintain a blog.  It was written in Jan 2014.  At the time I wrote this, I didn’t realize that the strong feelings I was having were warning signs of something much more serious than run of the mill jealousy…

Dear Jealousy – so, what exactly do you hope to accomplish by making me so angry and so blind when I am getting what I have always wanted? I have a strong, beautiful woman in my life who is open and honest enough to let me know that she likes sex and she likes it in different ways and with different people and while I can’t provide everything she desires, I can enjoy it with her and through her. And yet you plague me, you pester me, you gnaw at my heels when I try to enjoy everything that I have in this relationship, everything I have lacked in others, everything I have dreamed and fantasized about for almost 30 yrs. It’s not the huge cocks and the Big Dick Syndrome that troubles you, it’s the intimate moments and the secrets shared and the attachment not between a hard dick and wet pussy, but between a whispering mouth and an attentive ear, between an open heart and a desire for more. The sex is allowed and encouraged, freely and openly, to be enjoyed by them, by her and by me as well. The emotions are accepted begrudgingly and with some trepidation, in the hope that they will be fleeting or superficial and pale in comparison to the love we have for one another. But the real fear is the emotion, indeed the love, that is more than fleeting, that sticks around and grows with each visit and is nourished by each encounter and is reinforced with each giggle at an inside joke and each secret shared between just those two. The real fear is that the emotion will grow roots and the roots will bury themselves as deep and as hard as his cock is buried inside her and each time he enters her she welcomes not just his cock inside her but the rest of him as well and each time they part it’s with more longing for the next time and more desire for a deeper intimacy than the one they just shared and eventually the desire for more fruit than a tree born of the roots of a secondary relationship can bear. And if the sex is there, if indeed it is all she has ever wanted, the perfect lover, the touch and the intimacy and the feeling of being filled … and if the emotions that follow are able to fill her in other ways less physical but infinitely more intimate than sex or fucking or lovemaking ever could … then what happens when the tree planted in the the garden I’ve allowed to grow grows tall enough and broad enough to cast a shadow over the flowers I am growing? Will there still be enough sunlight for them to continue to grow and flourish and will I still want to live in the shadow of the great oak?

Not vanilla, but what flavor are we … ?

I remember when I was a kid and there was that thrill of going to Baskin-Robbins for their 31 Flavors.  Of course today you can stroll any grocery store ice cream aisle and find many more varieties than that.  At the root of all those flavors is good old vanilla.  It’s simple, it’s plain and even if it’s not your favorite flavor, almost everyone will enjoy vanilla.  When it comes to our lifestyle, we are definitely not plain and simple vanilla … I suppose for the sake of this analogy, vanilla would be a straightforward monogamous male and female relationship.  Nothing extra, nothing out of the ordinary … neither partner is bi (or even curious), no one maintains anything outside the relationship beyond a casual friendship and a wild night might involve watching a porno together or some mutual masturbation.

Vanilla we are not.

But then that begs the question, what flavor are we?  We don’t seem to be any one of the more common or popular flavors because we just don’t “look like” most of the couples we come across “in the lifestyle”.  We’ve tried couples swapping on several occasions with several different couples, but we have yet to have a great experience with it.  We’ve tried swingers clubs and it’s been very hit-or-miss, one or two really good experiences but dozens of boring or frustrating nights.  More intimate lifestyle parties held in a home or a hotel, we’ve been to a few and even thrown one or two ourselves but again it’s been with very mixed results.  We’ve tried incorporating additional females into the mix, but they never seem to fit “in the middle” … they may become a play partner for one of us, but no one we’ve found so far appeals to us both equally or is the right added ingredient for a good FMF mix.  She has tried to find a Bull who could be a long-term partner for her and help us truly explore a cuckold/hotwife style relationship but has yet to find a single partner to fit the bill.  So we play solo most of the time, if we play at all.  Even then the partners we find rarely make more than one appearance or two in our lives for one reason or another.

So what flavor are we?

ice_cream_flavors

I suppose we haven’t figured out our particular flavor just yet.  Even after five years, we haven’t been able to pin it down, but we will have to keep tasting and keep testing and hope that one day soon we will have that AHA! moment.  I suppose tasting 31 flavors or more along the way can’t be all bad, right!