Having the rug pulled out from under me is unfortunately a feeling that I have become all too accustomed to over the course of my 47 years on the planet. I would say there was one huge ‘pull’ that really hit home for me and changed by perspective on family and taught me that people can tell you who they are all day long, but what they show you in the space of 30 seconds can give you a look at who they truly are … it was the first time I brought home a black woman to meet my family. Despite what I thought for my first 20 years was an upbringing that taught me to be colorblind, I was met with an immediate negative reaction from my mother and father and was told never to bring my then girlfriend (and future first wife) into their home again. I packed and left and never went back. No one from my family came to our wedding and despite some mended fences and restored relations over the years, the relationship with my family has never been (and never will be) the same. That should have taught me never to trust this raggedy old rug under my feet, but yet I fell for the old okie-doke once again.
Thinking that I had finally dipped a toe into the world of polyamory in dating someone who was not only familiar with poly, but was already living in a poly world and dating several people … I was in for a big letdown. No sooner had my SO become comfortable with the possibility of me developing a full-blown relationship with my new poly girlfriend, then she suddenly and without warning decided to shut down on me and shut me out. We were planning to get together for breakfast and possibly some playtime and she cancelled on me at the last minute. I was understanding and told her it wasn’t a problem and hopefully we could reschedule soon. Next thing I know, a day or two later she reaches back out to me with a curt text message saying she has decided to stop dating because of some issues with one of her partners. Period. That’s it. Now here is someone who told me she felt a true, undeniable connection with me, but suddenly because she is having some undisclosed issue with another partner she decides to end our budding relationship without even an actual “goodbye” … just a generic two line text message. Of course I replied. I shared my condolences over the relationship on the rocks, offered a willing ear or shoulder if either would lighten the load or ease her unhappiness at the moment. No response. I waited a few days and reached out again, but again I got no reply.
Here was someone who I felt was open, honest, straightforward and practicing poly along the lines of what my girlfriend and I were aspiring to and yet she simply shut down and shut off when (to the best of my knowledge) whatever issues she was facing had nothing to do with the connection between the two of us. This just served to remind me that I can’t get too comfortable on this old rug. You can tell me you are open and honest, all about communication and poly … but you can show me in 30 seconds who you really are and what you are really about.