Do over done wrong

Sometimes before you can celebrate a success story, it undergoes a re-write and becomes more of a cautionary tale than a a true success story.  This is one of those times.

After four rocky months culminated with my baby breaking up with her favorite play partner in our four year history on the heels of broken rules, lies and betrayal … we seemed to make lemons into lemonade and salvage their relationship after deciding on a “do over”.  This seemed to be the best possible solution since she described the sex between her and her lover as the best of her life and their connection seemed to stretch well beyond the bedroom and opened the door for a possible full-blown second relationship for the first time.

The problem was that despite all three of us giving lip service to the fresh start and the honesty that needed to be at the very core of this “new” relationship between the two of them, only two of us were on board.  I was very vocal and clear on what I needed to feel secure in my position on the outside looking in and my baby was prepared to give me the full disclosure that we had always had up until these last four months.  Even her partner seemed on board, my one-on-one meeting with him left me a sense of security (which turned out to be false).

The quick win was great sex for the two of them, which for the first time wasn’t followed by a fight between my love and I … and it seemed we had managed to make the best of a difficult situation.  Their playtime which had been on a fairly laid back pace of 3 to 4 times a month suddenly accelerated without my unhappiness to slow it down … within the first week he had visited 3 times.  Each time together was better than the last by her description with both the sex and the connection growing stronger more fulfilling.  It was natural for her to begin to push for even more, asking him for not just more time in our bed, but for time in his as well.  She was ready to advance the relationship further and wanted to start spending days and nights with him.  As a self-described bachelor who wasn’t dating anyone, there seemed to be no reason that she couldn’t start spending a few nights a week with him, expanding on their time together and their opportunity for building the long-term relationship she wanted.

But her request to visit him instead of hosting him at our place every time was met with one excuse after another.  And then an afternoon of playing “the name game” in between rounds of lovemaking went sideways when he refused to disclose his middle name to her.  Now as her suspicions began to mount she confirmed with him again that he was single and she pressed him to spend that Wednesday with him at his place since he didn’t have to work.  When Tuesday night brought more excuses, Wednesday turned into a breakfast date and another afternoon spent together in our bed.

Her curiosity over his reluctance to let her visit sparked my own and armed with some basic information and a friend who knew her way around people search sites, I was quickly able to determine not only his middle name, but his wife’s name as well.  Yes, the single man who wasn’t even dating and lived alone turned out to be anything but.  I had to consider whether or not to share this information with my baby when I returned home, it didn’t seem right to keep it from her both from the perspective of being honest with one another and because I didn’t want her to fall deeper into this relationship with a married man all the while thinking he was much more available to her than he was in fact.  My decision was made easier because she confided in me that she pushed him on his secretiveness over breakfast and wasn’t satisfied with his responses or his reaction and that those feeling had remained with her all afternoon and had tainted their time in bed as well.  I took the plunge and gave her the information I had … in the end it wasn’t a surprise but rather a confirmation of what she had suspected for some time.

Things unraveled in short order after that.  A confrontation over text about his full name and the person who appeared to be a wife gave him yet another opportunity to come clean and be honest for the first time in four months … but as with any lie there are two ways to react when you are caught in your shit.  Admit the truth, ask for forgiveness and try to move forward or continue to deny it and dig an even deeper hole for yourself by layering in even more lies.  In his case he continued to lie, but now cornered and unsure of just how much information she had, his stories began to make less and less sense until he finally agreed to “come clean” once he realized no amount of additional lies would dig him out of this situation.  He came clean to her during a brief phone call during which I left the room to allow her the privacy she deserved.  I later learned that he admitted his marriage of over a decade as well as a daughter and could only offer the excuse that he wanted to keep them out of things as to why he lied initially and then continued to deny his situation for months.

So here we are, less than two weeks from a fresh start but again lies and deception have brought things to the same point.  Epic fail.  This time I’m not the main one feeling betrayed because while I was lied to, he only had to lie to me across the table over a few drinks.  His lies to her have been so much more intimate and so much more purposeful.  His well crafted back story has given her false hope of something long term with him.  There were a few rough moments between us after this new truth came to light … her frustration and anger over the revelation feels directed toward me, after all, I am the messenger.  We overcome that and spend a day together in bed, hugging, kissing, supporting one another.  I am the shoulder she needs to cry on and the ear she needs to bend.  She confides her pain to me and questions whether or not she should be feeling this way, feeling so hurt and betrayed and I have to remind her that this was a relationship.  From the first meeting, the two of them had a bond and a chemistry which was only made stronger by the amazing sexual connection they shared.  I give her the support she needs to grieve for the man she’s fallen in love with and broken up with twice now in less than a month.  As the day ends, she is smiling again and we feel connected like we haven’t in months.

That would seem to be the end to the chapter, the ups and downs with this one partner over and the time now to move on to someone new, someone honest and available and ready to bring something positive into our relationship instead of being a corrosive agent positioned to eat away at our bond and our foundation.

But there are still pages left in this chapter.  Pages still to be written it seems.

Because after a full day grieving together in bed, the morning brings with it the revelation that she wants him back.  She slips this revelation in during morning conversation … not as a question or a suggestion, but as a statement.  He will be back she says, just a matter now of deciding how long she will make him wait and what she might put him through before she lets him back in.  So it’s do over part deux.  Or as Shakespeare put it, “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.”

Let’s see what fills the final pages at the end of this chapter.  Comedy, tragedy or something in between … however it turns out, the outcome will determine the path for our relationship and I will be along for the ride.