Actions or words? Which do you believe? Which one is the truth? Ben Franklin was quoted as saying “believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.” Interesting quote and probably not too far from correct.
What does it mean when someone’s words don’t match their actions? In the simplest form, to me, it means that that person is lying to you. How else can you explain a 180º difference between words and actions? There is an old expression that a good friend of mine used to wear out … “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” It sounds so simple and yet in real life, and especially in relationships, I’ve found that is isn’t all that common. There are so many reasons for being dishonest and insincere and it’s almost an art form to make lying to your partner sound like not only the right thing to do, but the only thing to do and in their best interest after all! I mean who could fault someone for hiding something that would hurt their partner, right? That just seems like it’s such a sweet thing to do, doesn’t it? Not hurt your partner, the person who you claim to love.
I speak from experience on that, having been unfaithful and dishonest in two marriages and several other committed relationships in my past. When I was about to cheat, after I cheated, when I had a second relationship going on, when I was texting or emailing someone else sitting in the room with my partner, when I was running late not because of traffic but because of a quicky in the back of the car. All great times to lie, omit, shade the truth or just generally be dishonest in the best interest of protecting your partner from being hurt. Why put them through the pain of knowing what I just did or what I’m feeling or what I really want to be doing right now instead of being here with them? I was so good to my wives and partners over the years! I saved them from so much pain!! Well. That’s the biggest lie of them all because that’s the one I told myself to make me feel good. It really didn’t have a damn thing to do with protecting them from pain … if that’s what I had really wanted after all then I would never have put myself in the position to have to lie to them to keep them from knowing how I had cheated on them physically, mentally or emotionally.
So now we fast forward past the vast wasteland of relationships that I’ve ruined in the past. Flying high at 30,000 feet so we don’t have to see the tears and the anger on the faces of those left behind, but we can still see the pattern of devastation which repeated itself over and over, despite all of the sweet little lies that I told to try and protect everyone from the pain. We get off the plane and we board a ship, a relation-ship if you will. A different one than any of the ones we’ve left behind, this one starts with a promise and a commitment of openness and honesty. I have a long history of everything that is the antitheses of those two words, but this time it’s going to be different and I know it has to be because I can’t allow this relation-ship to sink. I look into this eyes of this woman standing in front of me and trying to focus on her beautiful face through my own tears of both pain and fear, I make a promise to be different. She knows my history. She knows that I am standing in her kitchen today still very raw from a marriage I destroyed because I couldn’t be faithful and I couldn’t be honest and I couldn’t be open. I’m trying to focus on her face through the tears in my eyes which are coming from the anger at myself for breaking the heart of a woman I loved who did not deserve to be a part of that wasteland we just flew over to get here. But those tears aren’t just for the past, but also for fear of the future. I know what I’ve done, I’ve lied to myself and I’ve lied to others and now here I am, hoping that the words I’m saying now, the commitment I’m making today, won’t end in more devastation somewhere down the line. And they don’t! It wasn’t always easy and it wasn’t something that I didn’t sometimes have to think about, but I made it through. You may say it was easy because our relationship is non-monogamous, but I will argue that infidelity is just as possible in an open relationship as it is in a monogamous one. Infidelity can be commonly referred to as cheating, adultery, or having an affair, but it can also be argued that it is the subjective feeling that one’s partner has violated a set of rules or relationship norms. But still I made it, I made it one year and surprised even myself and then made it to four in what seemed like the blink of an eye.
So why am I here writing about this then? Well I’m coming to grips with what it feels like for that left shoe to feel like the right. I’m trying to get comfortable with how it feels to be protected from pain by a shield of lies. Yes, that shoe is on the other foot. Now I get to be the one sitting back, wondering should I believe any of what I hear and can I believe even half of what I see? Here we are trying to sail around the world on this ship of ours that was built of truth and honesty and four years into this lifetime cruise we realize that we have brought a stowaway on board. Good old fashioned lies and deceit and dishonesty are sailing right along with us. And they are the worst of lies, they are those lies I know so well, the ones I used to tell so easily. Her partner tells her he lied to her about his marriage, his family, his feelings, his intentions all because he didn’t want to hurt her. And she in turn tells me she lied to me about her feelings and her desires and her intentions because she didn’t want to hurt me. So now here we are, deep in the ocean, no land in sight. Sailing this ship into uncharted waters and trying to bail like crazy because suddenly the once calm ocean is churning and the ship that kept us safe and dry for four years isn’t any longer because almost without warning we are chest deep in lies. But then I realize I’m the only one bailing. I’m the only one feeling the way that I do because after all, he isn’t being lied to. He got honesty from day one from both of us. And her days of being lied to are apparently over, or at least she believes so. She knows about his family and she knows about his life and now she also knows about his love for her and his desire to have her in his life, forever.
I’m the only one bailing this ship.
I’m bailing because what I see and what I hear, what I experience and what I am being told, what I’m being asked to believe and what I feel in my bones … just don’t match. I’m bailing because I know what it’s like to convince yourself that you are lying to your partner to protect them from pain. I’m bailing because I know that what you are really doing in those situations is protecting yourself from losing whatever it is you are lying to keep hidden.
And I’m bailing because I keep hearing the words that are meant to heal my broken heart … that I am the only one she wants. That I am the captain of this ship. That we will sail side-by-side forever off into that beautiful sunset together. That no one else could ever take her away from me because I am all she has ever wanted and more than she could have ever wished for. My ears keep sending me those signals. Keep passing along that message. But my eyes tell me a different story all together. My eyes tell me that despite the escalation of arguments that have ended recently with one or both of us calling for an end to this relation-ship as often as several times a week … despite the clear evidence of my depression and my pain … despite the risk that any moment could be our last on this ship together … despite all that there is never a moment of hesitation to bring him back into her bed. To keep her heart wide open to receive him. The words tell me “I would never leave you for him” and the actions tell me that she already has.
I’m bailing because I don’t want this ship to sink.
But then I realize I am the only one bailing because I’m the only one chest deep in cold, bone chilling water. I’m the only one on a sinking ship. When they are together, there isn’t anything to distract them, there is nothing holding them back or pulling them down. I know the feeling from his perspective, I’ve been there and done that. More than a decade in a marriage, going through the motions, family responsibilities, bills, routine, baggage. The sex is good if you’re lucky but it’s not passionate any more. And it doesn’t keep you satisfied, especially if you’re a cheater like I was, like he is. Now he has something new, he has my baby in his life, the most beautiful and most wonderful woman who has ever come into my life has now walked into his. And she has given him both her body and her heart. He shows up at our door and he finds her waiting for him every time, a smile on her face and an eager look in her eye. The passion he lacks at home is waiting for him here and there are no bills and no baggage and nothing to weigh him down. He can escape his world for three or four hours in her arms and her heart. And he has everything she wants. She is attracted to him, she is comfortable with him. The sex isn’t just good, it’s the best she’s ever had. She doesn’t hesitate or bat and eye to let you know that it is. And the connection and the conversation are even better than the sex. She doesn’t just want him in her bed, she wants him in her life, in her heart. And now finally that fear she had of it being one-sided, that she had given her heart to him but didn’t get the emotion from him in return. Now that one last fear is finally gone, he’s confessed his love and poured out his heart and she knows he doesn’t ever want to lose her from his life. So there is nothing negative to push them apart, only the positive to pull them together. Whatever lies they have told one another have been washed away and forgiven in the passion and the sweat that they bathe in together every time they connect. Whatever lies they both tell me, well, those are just to protect me, that’s all.
So my ears tell me everything is fine, the ship is strong and watertight and sailing through calm waters and most of all I am still it’s captain. But with my eyes I see the ship, sailing away into the sunset, I focus on it steaming away and I understand I’m bailing alone because I am alone. I am still the captain of my ship, or my lifeboat, but it’s going down and I am powerless to stop it.
Living and Learning in an Open Lifestyle 